The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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