from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
