Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
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