Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
I got your flops too. But yeah you rolled off your raft a bunch of times so we had to ask the white trash squad to help you back on. You bit one of them
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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