I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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