if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
