Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
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