you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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