Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
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