I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
