After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
