Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
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