I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
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