Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
I needed to do something spontaneous, and since no one had coke this was the next best thing.
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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