i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Randomize