I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
