Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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