can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
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