She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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