I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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