all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Ok love is a little strong. But he consented to Nachos, beer and board game date with my cats. Keeper.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
