I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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