You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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