Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Randomize