kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
You left your underwear on the fireplace
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
