Michael Bay diarrhea
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
