you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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