It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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