there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
let me know it goes. try not to get bit. and if you can, get someone to videotape it.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize
