Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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