i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
Randomize
