So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
