Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
A bitchslap is in order.
My eye was non-stop itchy for like an hour... I thought burying my face in your ass caught up with me
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