just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
I'm passing your future prison.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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