I swear she didn't look like that last week.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
We had sex on a dog bed..
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
