20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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