Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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