I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
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