I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
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