i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Randomize
