I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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