Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
