I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
