do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
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