Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
