I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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