Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Randomize
