i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize