did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Randomize
