by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
