Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
