Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
yes he does come on. what guy wouldnt want his penis named after a dragon
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize
