Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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