he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
