there's paper in my vomit.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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