Everything about him screamed your future.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize