After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
