I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Randomize
