I want to stick my p in your. b.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
In other news, I just burned my penis
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
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