the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
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