WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize